


Adventures with the Booze Boatmen

by JayBird_13



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: Alcohol, Boats and Ships, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Gen, I love you guys, M/M, i wrote this for my dnd squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25960594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayBird_13/pseuds/JayBird_13
Summary: y'all wanted a booze boatmen story so here goes.
Relationships: Ellis/Chad
Kudos: 1





	Adventures with the Booze Boatmen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the "we can't do math" dnd group](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+%22we+can%27t+do+math%22+dnd+group).



> this is not necessarily canon because i'm gonna make up a few names/people (also i forget if tiegan named the captain jack or john or something else but i'm going with jack)
> 
> i hope y'all like it!

the light burned. legeg regretted wiping the sleep from her eyes because it left her hungover brain with no defense from the pain of daytime. she heard frantic shouting and sighed. it looked like a bright, beautiful day but it sure didn’t sound like one. curious, she listened from below deck.

"big storm clouds! in the west!" such a shrill shout could only belong to ellis.

"oh, _jack_ , what shall we do? i feel as though i might faint." jack had cautioned edna to slow down her drinking a few nights ago and since then she had been acting out the part of a helpless damsel and jack had been more than happy to fill the role of the dashing hero.

"YARR! fear not, miss edna, for i will protect you.” ...and there’s jack.

"oh hello legeg, it's about time you got out of bed." and _that_ was chad, lumbering above deck with his half-eaten loaf of bread. legeg followed him up, excited for a fun day on the open seas.

\---

ellis had to climb up and down the ropes several times to confirm that there were big storm clouds all along the western sky and moving east, forcing the sailors away from azin. they had no schedule, of course, but they had an unspoken understanding that they needed to return to azin before tomorrow to resupply or the rum stores would run out, and booze boatmen without booze is just atmn. 

chad rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "why can't we just nyoom through like always?" 

"you didn't see those clouds from up there." ellis glared at him. "i don't suppose you want to climb those ropes yourself? see if you can see anything i missed?” 

“oh?” chad smirked. “are you asking me to come cloud gaze in the crow's nest?”  
ellis stuck their tongue out and clambered up the ropes, red-cheeked.

\---

legeg wandered to the upper deck, past edna fake-fainting, and towards jack, watching his hand shake ever so slightly on the wheel.

“i need you on high alert today, legeg. see if chad will do an inventory check.”

his somber mood surprised legeg. “chad? really? last time he did inventory i was out of spicy peppers for a week.” legeg looked out to sea. chad was fond of ensuring they had plenty of bread and rum then marking off the other supplies at random, which had left legeg and the others eating only rum-soaked bread many a voyage. 

“that’s a chance i’m willing to take.” he sounded resigned. “chad is a fun fellow, far better at raising sails than counting strips of beef, but this isn’t about checking inventory. i’m sure you’ve noticed how he distracts ellis, and i need them to keep an eye on that storm.”

legeg raised an eyebrow. “scared of a few clouds?”

jack frowned. “it’s not the storm i’m worried about, ellis likes to talk up a big game but we can handle it easily as long as we keep our heads on tight. i’m more concerned about where we’ll have to go to avoid the brunt of the weather. edna’s been consulting the maps and we’re surrounded by shipwreck-inducing rocks and storm clouds on almost all sides.”

“almost?”

jack sighed. “there's some land, but... let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. now, send chad to do inventory, please.”

\---

46 buckets of bailed water later, it came to that. 

they had been trying to sail south to skirt the edge of the storm and find calmer water but they weren’t quick enough. the storm had come on faster than ellis anticipated. legeg was tired of hauling crewmates that fell overboard up by their ropes, and the crew was tired of falling overboard. it was becoming clear that unless they turned around completely this storm could have disastrous results for their already-groaning ship.

“jack! we can’t keep this up!” legeg was getting worried.

jack looked at his soaked crew and nodded. getting out of the storm was ridiculously easy compared to sailing into it and they got to calm water without trouble. the lazy current carried them along aimlessly while the sailors began to wring out their soaked clothing and untie themselves from the ship. 

jack threaded them through a few stray rocks that looked oddly like teeth protruding from the water. a thick mist lingered in the salty air and it was making everyone antsy, there was no way to know what horrors hid in just out of view, watching, waiting.

“hmmmmMMMMMmmmmm... MMMMmmmmm” the faint humming grew into a wail and stopped, scaring ellis into leaping into chad’s arms. 

legeg looked around in fear and spotted edna hiding a set of pipes in her robe. edna noticed legeg and just winked. the dwarf rolled her eyes at the old woman’s antics and walked up to jack.

“what’s the plan, stan?”

jack grinned weakly, smile not reaching his eyes. “hunker down, charlie brown?”

legeg tilted her head. “are we really-” 

“land ahoy! lower the anchor! open a keg! deploy the rowboat!”

“oy! ellis! i’m supposed to give those commands!” jack grumbled. he nodded at the crew and they disembarked. jack had boarded the rowboat before legeg got a chance to finish her question.

_are we really in danger here?_

\---

chad smiled up at ellis. “this is nice isn’t it?”

ellis ripped another mystery-coconut off the tree and hurled it into chad’s waiting hands. “yeah. mystery island with mystery coconuts. nice.” 

they shimmied down the tree and helped chad draw a circle in the sand for a game of rum roller. it was a mix of large-scale marbles, exercise, and a typical drinking game, and the only rule was that they weren’t allowed to use cannonballs as the marbles. that rule was new.

jack and edna were huddled over some maps like boring responsible people. most of the boatmen were gravitating towards chad and ellis, but legeg had an important task to do, important enough to come before rum roller. she set to work carving her name upon a rock.

\---

edna whistled and everyone gathered around in a rum-scented clump to hear what she and jack had learned from the maps. jack began to explain the significance of the island he suspected they were on. the word “curse” had only just left his lips when the ground began to rumble.

**“who dares climb my trees and carve my rocks”**

legeg and ellis suddenly became very interested in the sand. 

**“i see.”**

the earth opened up to chomp the offending sailors. chad lifted ellis onto his shoulders but no one could reach legeg in time and she fell down into the darkness.

\---

legeg woke up in a humid cave and took in her surroundings. she was in a large underground chamber that branched off in five directions, lit only by an odd blue glowing moss. she started off towards one of the paths but stopped. these rocks, they seemed... strange. she proceeded to ignore this observation and skipped down the tunnel she had chosen.

\---

legeg was cold and wet and the liquid courage flowing through her veins after rum roller had started to wear off. she had climbed up and down and in and out of more caves than she could count and was thoroughly lost. she was about to give in and rest before continuing her aimless wandering when the smell of shrimp filled her nose. legeg’s eyes widened in disbelief as some of the moss began to glow a brighter salmon-pink. she knew it could be a trap but she instinctually felt that she could trust this shrimpy magic.

she followed the path and soon saw sunlight. she raced out of the cave and emerged atop a small mountain and saw her boat down on the beach only a short walk away. several figures were running across the beach and the distress and lost sailor flags waved high on the ship.

legeg started down the hill when a voice in her head stopped her.

_i was able to help you this time, but do not return to this place. cloomperdoonk cannot always save you._

legeg looked around in awe. “you saved me? thank you! my crew will burn a barrel of rum tonight in your honor!”

warmth washed over her and she felt a weight in her pocket. she pulled out a red egg.

 _never stop carving your name into the world, legeg. your legacy depends on it._ with a woosh cloomperdoonk’s presence vanished.

legeg returned with wisdom in her heart, a smile on her face, and an egg in her hand.

**Author's Note:**

> the rules of rum roller (yes i just made it up)  
> everyone sits in a circle.  
> the roller has an arsenal of coconuts or other round things and everyone else has a cup of rum. everyone counts backward from ten by twos and on zero the rum roller starts rolling coconuts towards everyone else.  
> everyone else must down the contents of their glass before a coconut rolls into them, or else they must stand up, spin in a circle, do two jumping jacks, and shout “rum roller”.  
> the roller must spin around one time for every person who the coconut did not roll into before that person finished drinking.  
> the roller then places one coconut in the center of the circle and drops a second one on top of it. whoever the second coconut lands closest to is the next roller.  
> the person to the left of the next roller must refill everyone’s cups.  
> the game ends when someone throws up and everyone else lifts that person up and shouts “rum, rum, rum, roller!” and tosses the person up in the air on “roller”


End file.
